I woke up this morning and heard the gentle pitter-patter of soft rain on my windows. Quickly, I pulled my chair over to the window and like an excited child pressed my nose against the glass. A joyful and excited gasp passed my lips, as the sun broke through the clouds and gifted me with a beautiful rainbow. It looked 3-D! The desire to put my hand out and touch it was strong, but I knew I’d be pulled in. Smiling, as I glanced around my room, I put my hand out and touched the rainbow, and the fairies and leprechauns met me on the other side.
I played with them for a while, helping the leprechauns protect their gold and flitting here and there with the fairies. A joyous day full of laughter and fun.
The pitter-patter of the rain came harder and faster and the rainbow melted away as the sun hid behind a cloud. I said my goodbyes to my friends, opened my eyes and smiling made my way downstairs to make breakfast.
Maybe it would rain again tomorrow.
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This was written for: http://gooseberrygoespoetic.blogspot.com/2012/04/poetry-picnic-week-31-nature-color-and.html
Thanks for the opportunity!!
I wish you have such wonderful moments every day! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your visit and the comment. Praying God's blessings on you. :-)
DeleteYes! I am so glad to see you do something shorter! Your long stories are ggod, but they are much too long for a blog. That's something I've had to learn and adjust to, as I've waded into the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you don't mind, Elizena, but I'm going to pass along a couple of other things I've learned over the years:
1. Try not to use the same word twice in the same sentence (soft). In this instance, perhaps you could have said, "... the light pitter-patter of soft rain..."
2. Try not to start multiple sentences with "I". I have taken the liberty of re-writing the first paragraph to demonstrate:
I woke up this morning and heard the gentle pitter-patter of soft rain on my windows. Quickly, I pulled my chair over to the window and like an excited child pressed my nose against the glass. A joyful and excited gasp passed my lips, as the sun broke through the clouds and gifted me with a beautiful rainbow. It looked 3-D! The desire to put my hand out and touch it was strong, but I knew I’d be pulled in. Smiling, as I glanced around my room, I put my hand out and touched the rainbow, and the fairies and leprechauns met me on the other side.
I hope you don't mind this bold critique, and please know, I am not an expert, nor do I consider myself a professional writer. I have acquired some knowledge along the way, and I merely want to share what I've learned with others who enjoy writing. You tell such wonderful stories, and if I can help you to make them even better, I would be honored.
You are totally awesome Charles!!! I don't mind in the least. Thanks so much!! I'm actually sitting here screaming, "Yes! Finally someone is not just reading, but actually critiquing my stories." I've been waiting for this and I'm asking God to send you even more of His blessings for helping me out. You are a wonderful brother in Christ and I so appreciate you!! :-)
DeleteCharles, I used your rewrite and it looks and sounds so much better. Thank you again!!
DeleteNice story, it warms me :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words and the visit Mariya. Be blessed.
DeleteMaybe it would rain again tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteVery very nice.....
I like this piece. Very clever :)
It rained yesterday as well and even now at 50 I love the sound of the rain against my windows and still imagine that the rainbow can take me to a magical place. Is there a door in it somewhere or can I just jump on it and slide to that magical place?
DeleteThanks so much for the visit and the comment. Be blessed.
I was right with you till you got to the Leprechauns and fairies
ReplyDeleteSorry! It was actually something I would do every time it rained and I really thought that if I closed my eyes I could jump into the rainbow and would find all these magical creatures on the other side. So okay, even now I close my eyes and pretend. Thanks for the visit and the comment. Be blessed.
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